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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

So pretty...Thanks Train

I need a sign to let me know you’re here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup
When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you can feel the world shake from the words that I said
And I’m calling all angels
And I’m calling all you angels
And I won’t give up if you don’t give up
I won’t give up if you don’t give up
I won’t give up if you don’t give up
I won’t give up if you don’t give up
I need a sign to let me know you’re here
Cause my tv set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me
And I’m calling all angels
And I’m calling all you angels
When children have to play inside so they don’t disappear
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we dont talk for years
And football teams are kissing queens and losing sight of having dreams
In a world where all we want is only what we want untill it’s ours
And I’m calling all angels
And I’m calling all you angels
And I’m calling all angels(I won’t give up if you don’t give up)
And I’m calling all you angels(I won’t give up if you don’t give up)
Calling all you angels(I won’t give up if you don’t give up)
Calling all you angels(I won’t give up if you don’t give up)
Calling all you angels

Going to see John Edward on 1/27/2006...have to send a message to the other side to come through.....SERIOUSLY

Monday, October 17, 2005

An Essay by the Crazy Mama

Our weekend started off with a trip to the local library, where, I had on hold the book "The Infertility Survival Handbook, Everything You Never Thought You'd Need To Know" by Elizabeth Swire Falker. Of course the book sent over from another branch could not be immediately located....as I waited patiently for the book to be found, the situation turns to the one common in television, the man purchasing the feminine hygiene products for the woman in his life, you know the "PRICE CHECK ON TAMPONS, PLEASE" only this is "CAN ANYONE FIND THE BOOK ON INFERTILITY FOR THIS WOMAN HERE?", I jokingly say "ahhh hot topic, I guess." The librarian, with no children of her own through choice, decides to clue me in that infertility is from all of the pesticides and chemicals we consume...I gesture to Princess who is waiting with her Dada in the childrens section, so then she clues me in that all children born after 2001 are doomed...this based on her viewing of a Star Trek episode...thankfully at this point my book is found, and I depart with a "Have a nice day!" Good Lord...

The trip to the library was followed by an uneventful visit with the inlaws, I dare say anything as things are going quite well with our visits and I do not want to jinx myself...

Saturday was spent on an adventure, pumpkin picking with a hayride, mum selection at a real mum farm, and a bargain, $2.25 a mum, and they are huge, actually too huge but too late!!! A trip to the winery, tee heee, that the Princess thought was the best part, cause they gave her cheese, and apple picking for the very first time for all of us. We had so very much fun and only once, just once did I think about the infertility situation, while on the hayride back from selection of the 3 most perfect pumpkins, the family across from us had a 2 1/2 year old with a 2 month old, and the Dad said..."just one?", we smiled and shook our heads, "for now?" innocent as may be, why do people ask? Could I have 3 others just not with me at this time? Could she be the youngest of 5? Harmless I know but it irked me.

This mornings conversation at breakfast with Princess included the statement regarding a classmate, "I can't wait to go see Nicholas at school today...his face is so cute like mine." We dare not tease her or she will rebel, but it was just so very cute, I asked her teacher which one was he and well of course my Princess has such very good taste in men. I don't know if she will inform her arranged marriage partner, Logan, of this but I hear he also has an interest at school. What to do?

Off to pick up Princess and supplies for the many Halloween events planned.....

Friday, October 14, 2005

Piece of advice.....

Here's a great little diddy by Tertia on how to be a good friend to an infertile, whether primary or secondary, just take what you need....

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Coming soon to a blog near you....

So I am starting to *TRY* to dig myself out of the hole of depression I am in. I make progress, and then back slide but I am feeling, well sort of better, minimal but a start. My dear friend Sandy started an internet group for me and a few others suffering from Secondary Infertility. Well between this group, my original infertility group (who I have given my blog adress to, (so if you are reading, please do not be offended, I have made many a friend through it) are driving me insane, mommy groups, the craft groups, and so forth. Well I have come to the conculsion that there are a large percentage of nut jobs in these groups, and the possibility of me just dropping out of them, including my own group, may just well, restore some sanity.

I have been neglecting my blog as I had been feeling that I was just so very negative, every aspect of my life was being consumed by the quest for another child. I had received so much support my admitting to this very thought that I would like to say thank you to everyone who has sent me encouraging words. Through those words I have found several other blogs regarding secondary infertility that are very interesting, and mirror some of the aspects of my life.

So on to the new blogging me, I have decided to post about Princess, DH and family with an update on my quest for another child thrown in there too. Along with things I find REDICULOUS in life. Check it out, of course I am still insane.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

A wonderful man...

My husband is a wonderful man...This I know, everyday. We have been together 11 years tomorrow. Last night he showed me again why I married him, twice actually, yesterday was our third wedding anniversary, and on 1/31 we will celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary. You see we married at the town hall the night before my insurance was to run out, we had a 25k wedding in the works but the insurance was more important, more important that we did not have to pay for it, the wedding well, we did. ( yes, do the math, Princess was born out of wedlock, I am a sinner!!!)

When he arrived home from work last night he had experienced, I believe for the first time, what in the last 2 years I have experienced with every news of finding out someone else was pregnant. You see, he drives to work with neighbors/coworkers husband and he told him the news of yet his wife's 5th pregnancy, this will be his second child, her fourth. When I told him of how she actually stood in our home and complained about being pregnant, that it wasn't in her time frame, and on and on she went, I wanted to scream, I politely said...Well, any baby is a good baby...and she still continued to moan. I could see the anger and frustration building in DH's face, over the course of the next few hours before bed and again this morning, he has shown me that he too is hurt and this I know, his heart breaks for me, for himself too I am sure, but he has bestowed so many compliments on me, reassuring me of what a wonderful Mom and wife I am. And this my friends is something that neighbors/coworkers wife and husband, well just don't have.

I didn't need this experience to know how much he loves me and what a wonderful father he is to Princess, he is so very caring, and my best friend, but it sure does make me feel good!!!!

Rhapsody Playlist

The Princess and I have got our very own computers now!! No more fighting in this family of who's turn it is on the computer, and no we are not loaded that an almost 4 year old has her own computer just very lucky that a friend of ours builds them!!! So with all the computer time we have sitting side by side I found the Rhapsody web site and check out the cool music I got me!!! Don't make fun of me either!!!! LMAO. They all have some sort of meaning, if you want to know just ask....

1. Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone) - Cinderella
2. Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne
3. Dreamer - Ozzy Osbourne
4. Forever - KISS
5. Diamond Girl (Diamond Mix) - Nice N Wild
6. Bad Of The Heart - George LaMond
7. I Wonder If I Take You Home - Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
8. Can You Feel The Beat - Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
9. Easy Come Easy Go - Winger
10. Kickstart My Heart - Motley Crue
11. If I Die Tommorrow - (previously unreleased) - Motley Crue
12. Hanging By A Moment - Lifehouse
13. Down With The Sickness - Disturbed
14. Serenity - Godsmack
15. Your Life Is Now - John Mellencamp
16. Roses - Outkast"

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The icing on my cake....

When things finally go my way, I promise you all if anyone even reads my blog I will post witty and humourous day to day goings on. I am in a very dark place right now....an extreme dump land. I have much to be thankfully for but feel like I may seriously be going crazy. I should be giving birth next month, yet it just ain't going to happen. I don't know if it will ever happen again.

I am not pregnant AGAIN this cycle. Yet lots of otehr people are, all around me of course. Today coworkers wife calls to see if I can get her 3rd child from the bus as she is at the MD, ass that I am ask "who is sick", no one is sick, I am pregnant, yes this is a blessing, she has one ovary and just a few months ago miscarried, so yes, I see that this is a blessing. I want to puke, cry and just go bury my head. Why am I so selfish? Why can't I get pregnant?

Why can't I seem to sit down and blog about the wonderous DD who I have, who is award winning in art? Who started preschool and is doing very well. Thank you Lord for my wonderful family, now how come I can't add to it. I really feel at this point another child will never come along.

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Off to be miserable while putting on a happy face for DD

Food for thought....

Why Can't You Be Happy With One, by Freda Curchack Marver

Courtesy of RESOLVE

How many of us with secondary infertility have been asked, "Your child is so lovely and your fertility treatments are taking a toll on you. Why don't you just stop and be grateful for the child you have?" To the well meaning people who ask, it seems like a fair question, so why do we find it so infuriating?

First, theses people ARE overstepping their boundary suggesting thatwe stop treatments when it is not their suggestion to make. Perhaps they feel that it would be less painful for us to give up than to continue our pursuit. On what basis can they possibly know? It shows a lack of understanding of the depth and complexity of the pain of secondary infertility and a lack of respect for our choices. We get to decide just how long to pursue treatments, and if repeated efforts are not successful, we are also the ones who choose when to stop. We may base this on our emotional energy, financial resources,and the effcts the treatments are having on us and, importantly, on our child. Only we know how strongly compelled we feel to continue and how sorrowful and frieghtening it feels to relinquish a dream.

Second, the number of children a couple chooses to have is a very personal decesion. It is inappropraite for others to give unsolicitaed advice. My husband and I considered several factors-memories of our growing up years, the number of siblings we had, our thoughts on what would work best given our interpersonal dynamics,financial contrainsts, number of rooms in our house, flexibility ofour work schedules, and when our friends were having children. This was to be OUR choice. We resent that infertility took it all away. But our anger is compounded when others suggest that we have all we need, rather than encourage us to fight for what we want. There is nothing wrong with wanting more than one child. There is nothing wrong with wanting my child to grow up with a sibling.

Third, these people imply that we don't realize how lucky we are for what we have. This is tremendously demeaning. If anything, we maybe more grateful than most. After having infertility problems, weare accutely aware of the wonder and miracle of life. Another ironic twist is that it is precesily because we are so grateful for ourchild that we are compelled to have more. If we were not happy with parenting, would we really be trying so hard to become parents to another child?

Last, their question implies that children are interchangable, acommodity. You already have one-why do you need more? Each child is unique, and the prescence of one does not supercede the desire foranother. For those of us who have tried for many years to have a baby, we feel profound greif for the child we may never know. Despite the child we have-not to mention the spouse, other family,and friends we have-the loss we feel runs deep. next time someone asks, "Why can't you be happy with one?" it helps to realize that even thought the questionis difficult to hear,the person is probably asking out of general interest and concern. An appropriate response may be : "It is precisely because raising our child has been so wonderful that we want to continue on this difficult path towards our dream."

Thursday, September 22, 2005

One cancelled IUI cycle.....

Well, my IUI cycle has been cancelled. Woke up this AM with a major panic attack and what appears to be a head cold. I explained to the MD's office that I didn't want to waste an IUI if the chances of it taking were lowered by illness. SOOOO, the RN I like asked Dr. Fantastic what he thought and she explained the situation, he said try on our own this month....and take off the next cycle and come in for a consult on 11/2, October is super busy as they are off most of the month for the Jewish holidays. I even asked if I had pissed them off, and she said NOOOOOO, he wants to mix up my treatment plan. All I have to say id OY VEY!!!!! Stranger things have happened I guess, I triggered at 10:15 AM so I was told to have timed relations inthe AM and then again tomorrow night. What do you all think, cheer me up pleeeaasssseeeee.

Been gone for a spell and now this...

Soooo, I have lots to tell but this is where I am today!!! I am not happy.

OK this AM I woke up feeling pretty crappie, probably nothing more than a common cold but with a killer post nasal drip....BUT I had a full blown panic attack, which for me is throwing up, which wasn't hard to do as the drip alone was making me ill..., and then I feel as though I am passing out, and loose control of my motor skills, it's just swell, I have had panic and anxiety disorder since I was little but only a few full blown attacks, usually if I am in a large crowd, IE a concert or a crowded store or my last 2 major ones were on 9/12/2001, due to the attacks at the WTC and I lost my best friend, and this year when I MC'd. SOOOOOOOOOOOO

I am supposed to have my IUI in the AM (friday), I asked the nurse this AM about being sick and did she think it was wasting an IUI becuse of the illness, she said she didn't think so, but I really don't care for her she scewed my July IUI up. Part of my panic attack is that I feel we are running out of ART coverage, because I am sick do you think we should just do timed relations this month or IUI? DH just went to get the IUI kit, and he was going to ask the MD while he is there.

What do you all think????

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