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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Well, here's sorta a shit eating grin......

For some reason today I have some sort of shit eating grin on my face. I don't know why but maybe it's attributed to my BFP, MY BFP, MY BFP!!!!!! If I can't scream it outside I'll write it. Tomorrow marks 1 week until an ultrasound, please God let everything be OK!!!!

Or maybe it could be that my inlaws are leaving on 4/8 for 2 weeks and the poor DH has to call his wack job Mom today and explain to her that if she can't have respect for any of us or our wishes that she can go scratch. He's prepared for this, dreading it, but prepared. And he will not allow her to come after me via phone to upset me, possibly because of the BFP, must more likely that I will tell her to go f herself and hang up on her. She has been told this before and driven to our house when we were 30 minutes South of her, now we are an hour south, and I won't open the door, I'll just call the cops and DH has told her this. LMAO!!!!

Or maybe that the truck, that I want to be gone so badly, has 3 interested parties, so God willing it will be gone this week.

Or maybe despite a 3:30 AM pee pee accident (second one this week) for a little girl who has been potty trained for about 8 months now, who just started sleeping in big girl panties, about 2 weeks ago, didn't get on the sheets, thus resulting in me only having to clean her up and not completely change a toddler bed.

Or maybe because the weather is going to be nice this week, and the princess and I can go out in the sun and play with some friends.

Or maybe I have been blessed with this wonderful life and just have a good attitude today, that all is going to be just fine.

Sunday, March 27, 2005


So, my girlfriend gets me started on this blogging thing. I read some incredibly amusing, sad, inspiring, and happy stories. All run the gamut of my emotions. I actually find that taking time to sort out and actually write down my feelings is incredibly fufulling. I sit back and look at the few blogs and realize, "oh my your negative", better change your ways. I find that stupid people piss me off, and I don't let go.

I have in laws who are actually certifiable, which pisses me off. Just last week while we were visiting, the held court in the kitchen stating that "I was a bitch", which of course leads to an ultimatum to my husband of "you better take care of it or I will" so he trudges off to fix things, which will never be fixed because the bi polar MIL and the creepy FIL don't want it to be, they just want my first born to be "their" child, they have made that quite clear, crystal, so that even my husband sees it and thinks its creepy.

As for my fertility saga, 16 months of trying, 4 of which with medical intervention have appeared to pay off, last Monday I took an HPT and received a BFP. Followed up my a blood test and doubling at the RE"s office. Ironic thing is my first child 3+ years ago was conceived while on the BC pill. So the actually diagnosis of infertility was mind boggling to me. I thank my MD's but am so paranoid and in such disbelief, that I don't want to get too excited, this to me is utterly ridiculous, this is what I wanted more than anything, how come I am not bouncing off the walls? I do want to shout it from the roof tops, but don't want to tell anyone until 16 weeks, I have told 2 friends, who I trust emmesely, my Mom and Dad, sister and brother in law and feel I have told too much but just want to scream it out loud!!!!! Yet when I open my mouth nothing comes out????????

A lovely Easter spent with my DD and family, minus the husband who had to work as per usual. The in laws of course having to cast a cloud over the day with the "oh I hope you took pictures, we never get to see her" OH PLEEEAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEE. The guilt she tries to lay on her son, is only to be doled out to her youngest as he is the only one in the state as his older brother was smart enough to get the hell away from the crazy bitch.

Cutting out the negativity in my life should just be that easy of cutting the in laws out of it, and actually cutting back on the amount of money I spend, the only source of irritation between my husband and I.

Humm the BIG FAT POSITIVE, in more ways than one, choosing not to deal with the inlaws, looking forward to my days at home with the DD, just the two of us, another obstacle hurdled with BFP, my lovely husband, an US on 4/6. AND even maybe the sale of one of my husbands junker trucks in the AM.

Things are looking good and I am happy and content...not a first but a rarity it seems. LOL

Monday, March 14, 2005

Please kick me while I am down..........

Thank God for my child, she is the absolute light of my life. Her laugh, her beauty and her absolute craziness make my life worth while. Somedays I believe that she is an Angel sent from above, and others I believe she is just pure evil. For the most part she is Heaven sent. I thank God for her every day.

Luckily today was one of those Heaven sent days. Still not feeling well, I called the local PCP, whose office is not interested in making me an appointment, just handing over an RX, which I was not interested in. After explaining the situation 7 days post IUI the receptionist decided to refer me to my RE for his advice before they would see me. They are not in til 8 am tomorrow. Thanks moron girl, and I appreciate holding for 20 minutes to find this out.

Now Sandy I know you may read this and hope you understand, I like the author of this post I really do, she is sweet and kind and I truly believe the intent was not to hurt anyone, but I have to give it a "WTF" shout. This was a post in a group I belong to in response to any medicinal advice in the event of a positive PG. As follows:

I cant remember now what it is you can take besides
Tylenol. I'll see if I can find out, but all my books
are packed right now.

I hope you are pregnant.

Okay, I have to say it, I am 1 month pregnant now and
really feel like crap. Tired, weak and nauseated. I
also wanted to be sensitive about saying it because of
the people going through all the fertility stuff. I
tried the reverse "rythm method" last month and well,
what do you know! I'm not far enough along to say
congrats, just good luck. We'll see if I get past the
first tri this time.

Well I am happy for her I truly am, but honestly you did not have to say it, you really didn't. You don't know what I would give to feel that way.

So there, I am a horrible person. Too bad. I hope this doesn't reflect poorly.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Again with the nasty.....

So tonight I am sitting here shoveling yet again more junk food down my throat. My once 120 pound body for the last 4 years being 30 pounds overweight, give or take at any given time. My excuse is that why should I loose the weight if only to get pregnant again??? I know it will happen, or do I just keep telling myself that to justify it. Like I tell myself with my handbag purchases, the more you spend the better made they are, the longer they last. Right???? Sure. That's right. It works for me.

Which brings me to the nasty....I wish that I had not been raised as well as I have. In three separate moments in time tonight that I had wanted to say, "What the fuck? SHUT UP!!!!!!!!" First moment, I belong to some Yahoo groups, ranging from events, Mommy groups and trying to conceive a second child, I am reading posts and sometimes I wonder what these people are thinking when they post some of the things they post, like huh? Are you the person that doesn't think before they speak? WTF? SHUT UP!!!! But I was raised properly, so instead of saying anything I shut up. Delete it and move on.
Second moment, I sell on EBAY, a woman purchases 3 sets of new in package tights, all about $3.00 a pair, so say $9.00 new at the store, she then pays for priority shipping $3.85 plus the cost of the items $1.99, and has the gall to bitch that she has to pay $1.30 for insurance and why would I have insurance on tights????? So she paid less for the 3 pairs including shipping and insurance than if she got up off her fat ass and went to the store itself. Insurance......Hummmmm, for buyers like you, you nit wit. Again, WTF? SHUT UP!!!!
Third moment, and I feel badly about this, my Mom just called, asked me how I felt, my throat still acting up after a week, I say " I think I am going to have to call the MD, I don't want to but it's been a week and its starting to affect my breathing". My Mom says "well what if you are pregnant???You can't take meds" HUH MOM? NEWSFLASH.....I have not been pregnant since Princesses birth on 11/30/2001!!!!!You were there!!!!!!!Thanks for the reminder that I been trying for close to 2 years now!!!!Ummm and there are meds you can take if you are pregnant, oh and if I am it's like 7 days. Breathing must not be all that important. Apparently all that Xanax and booze didn't harm the Princess because she was unplanned, got pregnant on the pill, ironic isn't it? So what is a little cold medicine going to do? Not that I would take anything regardless, it just pissed me off, so because she's my Mom and my best friend, just a small be quiet.

Enough already, breathe oh wait thats wheeze and let it all go........until tomorrow.

If ignorance is bliss

If ignorance is bliss than this sure has been one relaxing weekend, for some moron, certainly not the person dealing with stupidity such as myself. Feeling quite sub par, as I still have a lingering sore throat. Yes, this is my fault but I am not interested in venturing to the local yokel MD to be put on 10 days of an antibiotic to gain a yeast infection because he/she is afraid to prescribe a shorter span because I am 7 days post IUI. So shopping at the local Shoprite on Friday to deal with all of the ignorance entailed in just maneuvering the store, the girl bagging my groceries annouces her brother is incarcerated for making terrorist threats for 10 years, in one of the least desirable prisons here in the state, and just because I am not feeling myself, whereas there is usually some self control, I look directly at her and say "he must have done something more than that to get 10 years sweetie" I then turn on my heel and say have a nice day to the lovely cashier and exit. Moron girl, probably had sex at 14 because they guy told her he loved her.

Sex at 14 really showed at the local dollar store, all I needed was a scrub brush. Now I know why I enjoy shopping in high end stores. Need I say more????

Saturday yielded more stupidity, the AMEX girl who after holding me up on the phone to find out my AMEX card is not eligible for concert tickets proceeds to give me useless information which results in me hanging up on her only to then scramble to get through to Ticketmaster online and via telephone to only obtain 2 tickets instead of the needed 8 for Motley Crue. A concert which I had no plans on attending anyway. My plans are to be pregnant on or before August of this year. Which for me is not conducive to attending a rock concert of has beens, sorry hubby but when you saw them the first time they were cool. She'll probably be at the concert with her t-shirt above her head and think Vince is really looking at her.

Then brings me to my sister whom I love dearly and is my best friend but her snotty comments resulting from my lack of enthusiasm to attend the concert and my reasons behind it resulted in me ticked off. Apparently sympathetic as she is to my fertility or lack of fertility situation does not fully sink into her or her best friends head. Her best friend lives in this area also, moving down 2 years prior to us, and I have seen her in the last 2 years enough times to count on one hand. Now that she is pregnant she feels the need to be "intouch" with me. Only after patronizing me through my sister as to her pregnancy and my lack of. Mind you I have a gorgeous 3 year old daughter.????????? I am very happy for anyone who becomes a parent, it is a wonderful crazy experience. BUT, here's the butt. Do not say to someone especially trying to conceive that you are unsure about conceiving and follow it up with "huummmm, my husband doesn't want to have to move his stuff out of the baby's room". Bite me, and don't call me, your my sisters friend, not mine. Oh and we made fun of you in college.

Because of my "illness" I did escape the bi weekly trip to the inlaws, which thus far has been the highlight of my weekend. Sad but true. Maybe intelligence is not all it's cracked up to be.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

One Crazy Mama, this is who I have become.

I at 35 years of age now realize I have become one crazy Mama. I was never the cookie cutter girl so as a Mom why should I be? Sure I was girly, still am, nail polish, dresses, shoes and a handbag obsession. Never the type to speak when spoken to, I always speak what I want, when I want it, actaully that's not true for the most part I TRY to be respectful and polite, but it's hard. So very hard in a world filled with ignorance. I grew up in a lovely town full of the haves and have nots, looking as if I had it all, but in reality did not most of the time. In a town where the median income is 110k a year....at that is why we moved to a town where the median income is 31k a year, and forgive me for my snobbish air but it shows. With this move I was able to become a stay at home Mom, a title I am so very proud of. I am the proud Mama of one very beautiful, smart fresh 40 month old princess. I am married to someone who is my world, though I wouldn't admit it to him, he is the best thing aside from the birth of my daughter ever to happen to me. This is where I am now, trying to be the best Mom and wife to my husband and daughter. I am hoping that in my writings I can see how and why I got to this point. I am struggling with secondary infertility, insane inlaws and my wonderful family that has it's own struggles that as a member real me into them. I am at the far end of the spectrum from normal so I assume I am just One Crazy Mama.

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