In the last 6 months I have taken stock, taken stock of what's important, who is important and what things actually mean to me. During this personal inventory of my life and it's goings on I have found a comparison of my life to my extensive handbag collection. It's large and vast, diversified and I gain enjoyment from it. In this comparison, the handbag collection like many involved in my life are more comparisons, there is and are trendy, spur of the moment, well thought out, superb craftsmanship and counterfeits. I have realized in the past few weeks that my collection needs to be cleaned out, I am sure once this is done there will plenty of space in my closet.
FIRST THE BAD: Today I feel much like a prisoner in my own home. Being slightly warmer than the past few days I thought to venture out into our backyard, one of the very reasons we bought this house. As it appears the warden himself has spread fertilizer on the prison grounds. "Just don't let her touch the grass, and put her hands near her face" he says about taking the Princess into the yard. HUH? She is 3 she wants to pick every weed and add it to her "collection", then charge you rocks to view it. (THIS is GOOD, commerce, maybe having the "Apprentice" on while she sleeps is seeping in). Can't go for a walk-too many dogs in the area that we could encounter and violate my weight restriction. Can't trot off to the library or a store in the event of a preschooler meltdown as I would be unable to fireman's carry a screaming meme out to my SUV. So for a man in the custody business he really does his job well keeping his family incarcerated, thanks for fertilizing the grass, now how about me? Sorry couldn't resist that one. He is on my shit list as it is, I can't figure out men, especially this one, I adore him. I asked hm for a date yesterday and he ignored me, kept playing GD poker online. Stay up to chat with him after he arrives home at 11 PM from work, he falls asleep!!!!! This AM have heated discussion as to why his parents (still gone in FLA, thank you God for small favors) does not need to know about my miscarriage. Well for one she (the MIL) is a liar and a gossip, I don't need my situation put out to all your friends parents to filter back to me in some sick twisted way at J's wedding in June. OR make it about her, her loss of a grandchild, poor her, she's devastated. I hate this bitch. And top it all off, he leaves the garbage in the house STINKING!!!!!!!!! Bastard, better pucker up and start kissing my fat ass.
THE GOOD: is that Princess was absolutely fabulous to be around today, playing, eating, loving her Mama, pooping again even the "lotion battle" went well tonight. Must really have some merit to not being full of shit makes you feel good.
THE UGLY: oh Lord, dare I say it can my skin get much worse? I am assuming that my body is still full of out of control hormones. I was very lucky to never have a had a skin problem as a teen, then hopped on the Ortho-Tricyclean band wagon, when I jumped off in September 2003, after my sisters wedding, silly thinking we'd get pregnant right away, and that TTC would be a breeze after all Princess was conceived while on the pill??????????????????????????????? My skin has never looked worse. Maybe I'll try that Proactiv stuff I see the person I most like to switch places with for the day hawking, Jessica Simpson, yes, I want her clothes, her house, her purses and to jump her husband just for the day.
Just trying Proactiv treatment and taking a Proactive step in my life may be the way to go????????
Explanation of a miscarriage by a reasonably intelligent woman....
"Spontanous Abortion" was the official DX on my forms the day of my D & C. When you look at the definition of spontanous abortion it reads-miscarriage by way of natural causes occuring during the first trimester, commonly occuring in weeks 7 through 13. After 1 year of trying naturally to conceive, 4 months by way of RE with medical interevention to actually be successful only after the second IUI was thrilling, yet all along I felt that something just was not right, I just felt it in my heart, which thinking about it makes me sick-I should have been elaited and looking back on prior posts-I was happy, yet just new something was wrong. My surgery went well as I previously posted yet am very puzzled by the recouperation, tomorrow will be 7 days post-op. Days 3 & 4-hardly knew there had been a surgery, day 3 spiked a fever of 101.5 off to the RE that morning after begging him not to put me in a hospital down here in the sticks in the middle of the night. In the AM nothing to be found on the US or pelvic exam, so 7 days of Doxycyclin and days 5 & 6 (today) I have what seems to be a light period going on, I was told on Friday at the RE to expect this so am not surprised. I have the normal restrictions of any post op D & C procedure no relations, no lifting of more than a gallon, hich BTW traslates into 8.34 lbs. I had stumbled on an informative wesite, which now can't seem to locate again, for infertility and loss and they had wonderful sugestions for coping with loss, and the stupid questions people pose to persons such as myself, but yet no way to handle them or answer them. So I have done so.
1- Q: (or in this case, dumb statement) Well atleast you lost the pregnancy early. A: You think, no shit sherlock, I am crushed at 7 weeks what do you think it would have done at 7 months? (God Forbid)
2-Q: (again dumb statement) Well atleast you have a child already. You should be thankful for one. A: Again, NSS, you don't think I thank God everyday for her and yes, I want another one so she may have a sibling.
3-DS:Well atleast you know you can get pregnant. A:Uh yeah, refer to question #2, have you met her??????????????????
Anyway, writing a journal is what they suggest to deal witht he loss, I had started this journal before any of this, infertility was just a slice of me, so it shall be a chapter or so of my blog.
I remeber being put under and the MD saying "where do you want to be?" I wanted to say "delivering a healthy baby" but thought better of that and said "Figi, in a Louis Vuitton boutique". I then remember coming to-the sound of a nurse and I said "not now Princess-when the little hand is on the 8, and the big hand is on the 12, Mama will get up then." Thinking my DD was waking me and that this was just all a really bad nightmare in retrospect. I know have a memory of what was what to be, I do realize how lucky I am in every aspect-a healthy daughter, a husband, I adore and an absolutely fabulous family, that suports and loves me no matter what I do or say. I also have many material things, a home, insurance that covers fertility treatments and so much more.
I know someone maybe reading this saying "oh poor you" and yes, you or someone you know may have it worse off then I, but please understand you are viewing my diary, my blog, my thoughts, my feelings and I would make an attempt to understand you. I do understand what happened to me-yet for a reasonably intelligent woman I am left feeling dumbfounded at times.
Tonight as I sat in the hall while the Princess fought her "poop poop battle"--I stared into our "new guest room", this is our upstairs spare bedroom that until last weekend was like a giant closet, a catch all room so speak, when we bought a 4 bedroom house the intent was to fill it with babies, we already had 1 and definately wanted more, still do. Never did anything to this room, because we figured why bother, it's going to be a nursery. About 2 months ago this was confirmed, a positive BETA, 2 1/2 weeks ago those hopes were dashed. We put a twin bed and a night table in there the weekend before my scheduled D & C as not to be a reminded that indeed that on or around 11/30 of this year, our DD Princesses birthday, a date not hard to forget when your first born celebrates her day, will not be a nursery. I still have high hopes of being pregnant again, hopefully before that, yet it seems nothing that I can put in there takes away the vision I had planned for this years holidays, this spare bedroom no matter what is in there still seems an empty place, along with an empty place in my heart.
I fight a battle in the pre-schooler war almost daily, the usuals are the "toy battle" in takes place in the playroom, and follows as such the Princess and I go head to head regarding "who is going to clean up the toys". There is the "dinner table battle", which takes place at just that, whereas we battle over the food itself, how and why it needs to be eaten, quantity and so forth. This battle really gets me, downright pisses me off, due to the fact that the Princess chooses her own food-within reason and a vegetable never passes her lips. We have the "lotion on the face battle", you see Princess isn't a fruit, vegetable or water person, so she has dryer skin which needs moisturizer, and she hates this. There used to be the "washing of the hair battle" but this battle is seldom fought anymore after threats of "we could just cut your hair off", "not my golden hair, I will look like a boy" so this battle was really won my the Crazy Mama herself. We have lastly the most gruesome battle, all though I am sure there are others or will be of more or less significance "the poop poop battle", this isn't really my battle to fight, Princess alone, I just observe all the while my heartbreaking. I sit in the hallway, banished from the battlefield, while a tiny little girl struggles to go poop poop fighting the constipation battle all alone. All the while I offer comfort and support, suggestions of fruit and water all helping to ease the bowel movements, also while sitting there tonight I actually fixed a stain on the new vinyl floor-with of all things, white out. After 1 week of constipation and reluctantly last night one dose of "Little Tummy's Laxative", Princess conquered this battle of constipation.
My most horrible of horrible fears have come true, since my last post on 4/5, I have had 2 US and a D & C. The first US showed the bleed, something not to worry about, I was told. Great heartbeat and measuring as scheduled. Second US on 4/13, had the embryo measuring one week behind, with fluid in the sack, and barely a heartbeat. HUH what, nothing to worry about????? I knew from the get go something just wasn't right. God has a plan, and this was just not part of it. I understand this. I was completely nervous about my D & C on 4/19 and it went "perfectly" as perfect as removing a failed pregnancy can go. As I finally sit and put "pen to paper" so to speak, my eyes well with tears, something that has only occurred once, immediately following the DX of "loss of pregnancy" being relayed to my husband. I am sad, a type of sadness I have neevr felt before, and I don't like it one bit. This pregnancy was just not meant to be, I know God will bless me when it's my time. But right now the next 2 months (I have to wait 2 periods before going back to try IUI again) seems like a lifetime. I have been back to my RE after spiking a fever and them not being able to find a cause, matter of fact that reminds me, time to take the antibiotics... I am just not happy, not myself and not up to blogging right now. I don't even feel like a good Mommy or wife right now, I feel like DH and DD are trying their very best to piss me off, in every way, DD has been asking for an OREO since 8 am this morning and DH has conviently disappered with errands. My time will come, I just have to believe this......or I will certifiablt crazy instead of just plain crazy.
Tonight I sit here, absolutely terrified that something is wrong, that horrible news is going to be bestowed on me tomorrow and aside from my medical DX. My Princess is experiencing some sort of "gastro thing" according to the peditrician, who I adore yet has yet to see DD to actually DX her, which pisses me off. The poor baby threw up in the local food store on Friday, briefly, it was over in a few minutes and she "felt fine" yet her BM have not been regular for her to say the least. Today's installment of panic Mommy was a soft stool the color of a file folder. She says she feels fine, there is no fever, but she has a loss of appetite, except for when it comes to junk, which I am trying to abstain from giving her. My DH just keeps telling me to listen to the MD's they know what they are doing. I hope he's right. Is it tomorrow yet?
So they say things come in three's. I want three reason's to celebrate. My husband's junker truck is gone, never to have to be looked at again by my eyes. Whoppeeeeee. My inlaws changed the date they are going away, from 4/8, to 4/15, now I know you are saying, that's good? Yes, it's very good. They wanted to see us again this Friday but my DH has a paintball trip, we he will come home from tired and dirty and according to the weather soaking wet. So sorry evil in laws see you sometime in May!!!!! Whoppeeee. And the third thing I want to celebrate is my office visit to the RE for a BETA and US to confirm everything or almost everything is OK. I have some pulling in my rib cage and groin, which has worried me from the get go, the MD's nurse said each pregnancy is different. No pain, no bleeding, don't worry and we'll see you in the AM.
I have 2 girlfriends who are pregnant, I would make 3. I know 2 Mom's in a Mommy group, I would make 3. Yes, I have a positive BETA, yes I am pregnant but just want to know that all is well at this point.