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Monday, April 25, 2005

Explanation of a miscarriage by a reasonably intelligent woman....

"Spontanous Abortion" was the official DX on my forms the day of my D & C. When you look at the definition of spontanous abortion it reads-miscarriage by way of natural causes occuring during the first trimester, commonly occuring in weeks 7 through 13. After 1 year of trying naturally to conceive, 4 months by way of RE with medical interevention to actually be successful only after the second IUI was thrilling, yet all along I felt that something just was not right, I just felt it in my heart, which thinking about it makes me sick-I should have been elaited and looking back on prior posts-I was happy, yet just new something was wrong. My surgery went well as I previously posted yet am very puzzled by the recouperation, tomorrow will be 7 days post-op. Days 3 & 4-hardly knew there had been a surgery, day 3 spiked a fever of 101.5 off to the RE that morning after begging him not to put me in a hospital down here in the sticks in the middle of the night. In the AM nothing to be found on the US or pelvic exam, so 7 days of Doxycyclin and days 5 & 6 (today) I have what seems to be a light period going on, I was told on Friday at the RE to expect this so am not surprised. I have the normal restrictions of any post op D & C procedure no relations, no lifting of more than a gallon, hich BTW traslates into 8.34 lbs. I had stumbled on an informative wesite, which now can't seem to locate again, for infertility and loss and they had wonderful sugestions for coping with loss, and the stupid questions people pose to persons such as myself, but yet no way to handle them or answer them. So I have done so.

1- Q: (or in this case, dumb statement)
Well atleast you lost the pregnancy early.
A: You think, no shit sherlock, I am crushed at 7 weeks what do you think it would have done at 7 months? (God Forbid)

2-Q: (again dumb statement)
Well atleast you have a child already. You should be thankful for one.
A: Again, NSS, you don't think I thank God everyday for her and yes, I want another one so she may have a sibling.

3-DS:Well atleast you know you can get pregnant.
A:Uh yeah, refer to question #2, have you met her??????????????????

Anyway, writing a journal is what they suggest to deal witht he loss, I had started this journal before any of this, infertility was just a slice of me, so it shall be a chapter or so of my blog.

I remeber being put under and the MD saying "where do you want to be?" I wanted to say "delivering a healthy baby" but thought better of that and said "Figi, in a Louis Vuitton boutique". I then remember coming to-the sound of a nurse and I said "not now Princess-when the little hand is on the 8, and the big hand is on the 12, Mama will get up then." Thinking my DD was waking me and that this was just all a really bad nightmare in retrospect. I know have a memory of what was what to be, I do realize how lucky I am in every aspect-a healthy daughter, a husband, I adore and an absolutely fabulous family, that suports and loves me no matter what I do or say. I also have many material things, a home, insurance that covers fertility treatments and so much more.

I know someone maybe reading this saying "oh poor you" and yes, you or someone you know may have it worse off then I, but please understand you are viewing my diary, my blog, my thoughts, my feelings and I would make an attempt to understand you. I do understand what happened to me-yet for a reasonably intelligent woman I am left feeling dumbfounded at times.

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