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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Too much TV????

So I sit here tonight after sinking to new lows in my television veiwing, I just sat through an hour and a half of "Tommy Lee Goes to College". OK what is wrong with me? How about picking up a book? Sad thing is I have been very selective in my TV viewing habits as of late, I given up watching Punk'd, Growing Up Gotti, The Girls Next Door, Filthy Rich, Cattle Drive...see the pattern of trash TV veiwing?????? I actaully watched Morgan Spurlock's "Supersize Me" over the weekend and now will never ever again eat at Mc Donald's EVER EVER AGAIN!!!! I am now currently scutinizing everything we put into our mouths. This isn't hard for me to do either as prior to meeeting my now DH, I would be in the gym for 3 hours a day, a NO red meat ever past these lips, and that really continued at least the red meat part until becoming pregnant with the Princess. I was in fabulous shape, that was then, this is now. Currently I am 25 pounds over weight, and it makes me sick but I can work myself up over other things, like TTC or which Mommy is a MORON.
Or last nights viewing of National Geographic's Inside 9/11 which of course made me cry, but was very good. While sobbing and thinking of my dear friend, a Bon Jovi commercial came on, something that would draw my attention away from me for a moment, mocking me as to say "yeah, I am gone but I am watching you, you know it, lmao at you". I know he is here with me, always.

So I blog about nothing really, Princess is in bed, DH is not home from work yet, no one to IM with, and just waiting to get pregnant again.

Add another baby to our lives and health for all and my life would be perfect, sure I'll complain about something, you gotta do what you are good at right?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Just incase you were wondering......

SO due to test on Friday AM, NEGATIVE. NO PERIOD. Well guess what shows up Sunday morning????? Good ole Aunt Flo, BITCH.

Well of course she couldn't come when she was supposed to so that I could have drank myself silly at my own BBQ. Where 30 people showed up, instead of the 60-80 invitees. OH and of course one bimbo had to announce her pregnancy of a glorious 7 weeks while my infertile circle of friends and I were attempting to eat. "oh it's so hot I need to go inside, I am as many of you may not know expecting!!!" FUCK YOU SIT DOWN. You just got married last month, you are an internet dater who snagged my balding rich friend who felt his clock was ticking. We hated you already, we hate you more now, let ME catch you dirty looking my friends and I'll smack you.

So with AF's arrival CD #3 and off to be wanded and probed and not the usual wand monkey today, actually Dr. Fantastic himself, with not so fantastic news, residual follicular develpoment, no drugs this month, try on your own. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Oh well stranger things have happened....have you met my DD? Conceived on the BC pill.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Why do I torture myself??????????

So, Princess and I are out yesterday buying large quantities of novelty candy and bubbles and such for this weekends BBQ. We have 10 children attending and I really want them to enjoy themselves also. While in the "dollar store" I picked up a home pregnancy test, I figured ehh it's a dollar. SO this AM I strategically peed in the cup filled the dropper and placed 4 drops of urine in the spot and of course on my hand, yuck, and I get a negative, I am I surprised well, NO. I am due to test on Friday, it's only Wednesday, and it was a dollar store test, if these worked don't you think someone in the "wasting pregnancy tests" community would give a money saving heads up? I will now take your positive reinforcement comments.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Out of the mouths of babes....

Today while searching for the perfect print at a local craft store Princess was looking around while I searched and pointed to another customer and said......."look Mommy she has a Coach purse too." The lady said " what did she say?" I repeated it, she then said "how old is she?" I said " 3 1/2." She said "smart and beautiful." I said "thank you." Tell me something I don't know....too bad we I wasn't in the mood to chat or I would have had her tell the woman that a Louie is better. tee heeeeeee.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Infertility stabs someone else....

I know I am overly sensitive to the pregnancy factor around me, I also know that some, not all, view my feelings as invalid as my infertility is secondary. With the big BBQ looming near, I was speaking on the phone with my friend, confirming her attendance. She and her husband have been together since they were 15 years old, they are now 32 and 33 years old. They have been married for some 4+ years now. Ever since TTC. We see eye to eye on lots of things, other friends and so on. We share a common thread of TTC and experiencing some level of infertility. We share stories and vent on one another. Sad thing is that some 6 million couples experience some level of infertility, that's 1 in 7 couples, why then do I have 4 friends and my self experiencing this? These were not people I sought out as friends as a common thread but these were my friends.
My Conversation with her is: C says to me " Well are R & C coming?" I said "uhhhhh, no, actually they will be away" Knowing full well what was to come as my DH had spoken to R earlier in the day, and had confirmed he would not be attending and that he and his wife of less than 1 year, and girlfriend of less than 1 year before marring, was pregnant.
C says "did they tell you?" I said "yeah I heard." She then goes on to say...."do you know how we found out?" Of course I did not. "well they had us down for dinner...and just before dessert was served", "R says, hey we are pregnant, I know I am not shooting blanks, gotter knocked up on the first try!!!!" C then says she finished her coffee and they excused themselves and went home, all the while C wanted to vomit. My heart broke for my friend, earlier in the day at the news I had rolled my eyes and thought please Dear Lord, during this 2ww please, please....... but it hurt so much more for me to hear of my friends hurt than to hear someone else was pregnant other than me. It was probably better that I was not there that night, better because I would have lashed out, said something of truth yet in such a way that C and I would have felt better, yet would have hurt our friend. C spent 3 hours on the phone with me the night before my D & C, all the whle listening to my fears and so forth, all the while having her very own battle with infertility, all the while being MY friend. Why can't others be so considerate to ones feelings? Do you need to walk around with a sign on that reads...EXPERIENCING SOME LEVEL OF INFERTILITY...TREAD WITH CAUTION.....

Saturday, August 06, 2005

R.S.V.P and a rant.....

So what does R.S.V.P. mean to you? Technically it is the term used to have one respond to an event, I beleive it is french for "reserve se vou plea" meaning "reserve please". Well apparently 25 of my "friends" don't have a clue as to it's term, and apparently after having DH call them to see if they were coming, they are and must have thought they were the only ones on my mind and I truly am cooking just for them.

So I am still sick, full of snot sick not take to the bed and draw the curtains sick but enough that I am certainly uncomfortable. A call into Dr. Fantatsic yesterday yeilded permission for tylenol and some nasal spray, which actually helps, but I won't admit it because it only brings me to about 65 % of my usual sparkly 110%. teee heeee. Boy oh boy, I hope that next week I find out I am pregnant.

Which leads me to, another dream, twins, the second one in the last 2 weeks. In the entire time I have been TTC I have yet to dream of a baby, now I am. Please God let this be a sign. Twins would be a blessing, I would be nuttier than I am but WOW.

OK, where the hell is my DH? OH down at coworkers house setting up for his surprise party....hummmmm, how about cleaning up and setting up for YOUR OWN DAMN BBQ!!!!! He may get stabbed really, truly, he is pissing me off, not PMS pissing me off just dumbfounded pissing me off. Let me run a disclaimer....I always threaten to stab him, it's an idle threat, would never happen and if he turns up stabbed somewhere, well I had nothing to do with it, it's just what I say and have said for the last 11 years. Hummm, and he still loves me, must be that comment he makes about tossing me into the robo-can.....LOL

Thursday, August 04, 2005

OK now is the time...

I have been avoiding my September 11th entry due to the fact that the subject is extremely upsetting to me, but now I feel it is the time. I was given a book by a friend of the family, titled, "September 12th, We Knew Everything Would Be Alright", written by school children in an east of nowhere sticks state, this book pissed me off tremendously, bitch at S2 and left it. But.....Guess what kids, all is not alright, people are GONE, parents and so forth, its not OK just cause you were not directy affected by it. And tonight as I sit here and blog surf I see a recommendation for a book regarding 9/11, I will not reference the book as I think it is a load of shit. Even one of the comment on Amazon stated that "it's not one of the glorious hero like book, glorifying the victims as heros." Well pardon my vulgarity but EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME!!!!!! One of those "victims" was my best friend, and he was a hero, he was a police officer doing his job and now he's gone.... Bottom line, so many loved ones are gone....write your fucking book about that. The morning of September 11, 2001 was horrifying, this all took place in full view from my home, up close, but not as horrifying to me as September 13, 2001 when my dear friends father was "afraid" to tell me that his only son was gone, afraid because I was 7 1/2 months pregnant and did not want to jeopardize my pregnancy. He said the words to me as he broke down in tears, "they can't find him" and I fell to my knees, and screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOO, my mother rushed from the house with DH and my mother screamed "NO NO NOT K!!!!" I prayed every night for weeks that he would emerge from the rubble alive, unlike so many of my prayers, the were left unanswered. The morning of 9/11 is burned in my mind, I can account every moment of it, down to what I had on that day, but the weeks and months following it are just as vivid, the stench, the F-16's flying overhead, the funeral and now the benefits and celebrations of my dear friends life. I know he is with me, I really do know this, he is my angel, tormenting me from above as he did in life. I love him just as much today as I did when we were 7 years old. And that is all I have to say about 9/11.

LOOK AIN'T IT PUR-TEE

Well looky looky, one of my bestest pals fixed up my blog to look so pur tee. Ain't it great and if I could link her I would somehow in my posts but I haven't a clue. But many, many thanks to her. She's a fabulous friend and look here she's talented too. Which if you read ME AND ME ONLY, you can figure that one out on your own.

Other great things that happened today....

Princess and I saw a yellow butterfly on our butterfly bush, which was then joined by a hummingbird.

Princess decided, she is "not actually interested in going to a private school". Not a clue my blog readers where this came from, she is only 3 1/2.

I realized that it is Thursday and DH will be off for the next three days. YIPPEEEEE.

Oh and the water cooler was not injured in the gang war.

Yea, bleck and double bleck

The Yea...I had an IUI on 7/29 on 78 million little guys, please let one of them work with one of the as many as 4 eggs I popped out, please God and let it stick, and produce a healthy and happy baby.

The bleck....and double bleck...So since my last post I am sure my mood had improved yet never actually sat down to share. Strange things are happening, people who I have no desire to be friends with such as my MIL and DH co workers wife are bending over backward to be nice to me. Funny thing is I have made no effort to have this, nor do I really want it. So strange that the wife has actually fixed something with a utlitiy that is no free for us...creepy....reminds me of the movie Cable Guy with Jim Carrey, who I detest BTW..."but I gave you free cable..."YIKES!!!! MIL has been enlightened into our TTC world as she passed some comments at last weeks visitation as to our never getting pregnant, and said "well you know I was pregnant in March but miscarried" shut her up right away. Mean yes, but effective.

I have these feeling of not fitting in...not fertile but not infertile, I have the Princess, who BTW is actually printing, she can copy from anything, she actaully re-wrote my files for me this AM. Love her. So with this motherhood title I am ousted by the infertility community atleast of the women I know and one asshole of a man who appartently feels as I deserved to miscarry, lord I wish he'd say it to me and not my Mom.

I left my Mommy group and infertility group for the time being as with the Mommy group I cannot hack the one up on you sorta thing that has been going on. Or the bickering....or the plain old WT I can't stand.

I have a cold, a sorta "viral infection" the ped actually said Princess had, and not to worry that "you have been exposed to it so many times, you won't catch it". Sure OK then why is my nose dripping?????I feel terrible and WILL NOT take anything for fear that I may be pregnant and something could happen.

So off to hang with the Princess and play Play Doh, and compile some sort of list for this BBQ of 60 people we are having the day after I test for my future, OY.

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